Mid-life crisis?

As many of you that see and notice, I haven’t been quite myself. I am struggling right now. I find myself back in that place that I left 4 plus years ago. I am fighting with my ego, my personal self and who I am really.

I am 51 years old now. My youngest son will be graduating this year. I will be by myself soon. I always thought that this is what I wanted. To have my own time that I could do whatever I wanted without having to worry about the kids schedules. Have I grown accustomed to being a mom for so long that I don’t know how to be me?

I am going to be perfectly honest here. I cry everyday now since about the 5th of January. Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m crying. I just cry. Now I am having problems sleeping at night. My mind will not shut off. I have anxiety again. I worry about everything.

I have tried to reach out to some friends that I thought they might notice, that I am not me. I don’t think that they really know what I am going through right now. I have always been that friend when I see that someone is down, I go to them and talk to them, get them out of the house do something with them.  Everyone has their own lives, I get that. But sometimes the strong ones need help too.

I am listen to 432Hz Energy Cleanse your Home and You on YouTube. My mind went to when I was young, with my first child.  I was 17. I had a baby that has learning disabilities. She wasn’t like all the babies. It was hard on me to raise a child that didn’t learn like the average child. I always thought, “why me?” I did everything you were suppose to during pregnancy, I quit smoking, stopped drinking caffeine, didn’t do any drugs, so why? I felt this way for years. Society also doesn’t accept “special” kids and people. That would also hurt me knowing that they didn’t accept my child, because she was “different”.

The years have flew by. I see things differently now. I was blessed with this “different” child. She has taught me that you can love unconditionally, she taught me patience, she taught me that not everyone learns the same, she has taught me so much. 33 years with this one child how is now an adult was the best thing in my life along with her 2 sisters and 2 brothers.

All I know how to be is a mom. I made a lot of mistakes with all of my kids, because I had never been taught how to be a mom, you have to learn it on your own. We went through struggles, like all families do. But most of all, it taught me how to love someone, how to care, how to help, how to be a mom. I am not perfect. I never claimed to be. I love all of my kids equally. They are all different and that is what I love most about them.

My kids are are all grown up, except one. He will be 18 in April. 33, 31, 28, 24 and 17. Is this the reason for my sadness? That I will be alone, for real, without kids?

There isn’t anyone else in my life at the present time. I have been waiting, but nothing. I got out there and was trying to meet new people all of last year. It was draining. I am not a people person. Don’t get me wrong, I like people, my kind of people. Not toxic vampires that drain all of your joy out of your soul people. Open minded people, people that like to laugh, talk about nature and spiritual shit you know?

So many people have pasted through my life. From when I was in school, raising kids, all of their friends, people in passing, of course family. Am I sad that some have passed on, moved away, grown up and have their own lives? Why am I so fucking sad?

I have so much more I want to write, but I’ll stop for now. I hope that you are not going through the sadness, depression and feeling like who am I, as me.

My interesting point of view

I’m really trying to work on my judgments today and for the past 2 years. I find that when I don’t understand something, I go directly into judgment of that person or the situation.

After listen and learning from Access Consciousness I should be okay when people change their minds about things after they asked you to help them. But my ego takes offense when that happens. I really want to help, but I’m I doing it for them or me? hmmm

I’m the first person to point out when someone is doing something so that you owe them in the future. That pisses me off. I know this from past marriages and friendships. I’m very selective now who is in my circle. There is no man right now. I’ve let men hurt me over and over in my life. Same with my friends. If you are in my circle, you are one of the few that I trust and love. I don’t have a best friend, I have many best friends.

Back to the subject. I know that when I was younger, older people didn’t understand my decisions. Well, I was young. I had to make those mistakes to learn. Same goes for the young people in my life. I’m confused about their decisions. Then I think back of when I was younger. They are learning. It’s painful to watch. It’s like I’m living my mistakes all over again. but it is them.

I’m an empath. I feel what other feel. It sucks. It also makes me angry that I can’t stop it! Knowing the heartbreak someone is putting themselves through for another person, really takes me back to when I was in love with my second husband.

I loved him so much, and he didn’t love me as much as I loved him. 20 years later, I finally said what about me? Is he worth all of this heartbreak? I finally stood up and said “No More! I’m done!” Was it the right choice? Yes. My whole life I felt that I needed a man in my life. They were all like my father. Controlling, possessive, selfish, uncaring of their family and it was all about them.

This is my point of view about the younger generation. I need to let them make their mistakes, no matter how many times they do it, over and over. I need to disconnect from the drama that they try to put me into. It’s not worth me getting upset and angry over something I have no control over. I can love them. I can have that hope that they will learn faster than I did.

The last thing I want to say is that if you do ask someone to do something for you, let them know in advance that you no longer want their help. It is common courtesy to let  them know, instead of letting them do what you asked, then you say “I didn’t want that.” The person took their time to help you, and just because you decided after you asked, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t tell them before they go do it. End of rant.

Instead of working on what needs to be done, I’m back on here writing again

I have many things that I really need to be doing, after messing with a new phone for 3 hours to get it back to the way I like it. But I just read a couple of articles that made me think about the things I’ve been hearing lately.

I’ve heard people put others down because they have money. Some of these people worked hard to get their money. When the richer person talks about the things they like to do, most of us can’t do them, but yay for them! Some of the people talk about how they made their money and why would they brag? I don’t look at it as they are bragging. To me they are just sharing their fun with others. I think if I was in the “rich” persons position, why wouldn’t I share that I’m loving life?!

I’ve heard people put others down because they like sex, mostly women. Why is it the woman’s fault that a man slept with her? Isn’t it the mans fault for not staying loyal to his woman? Why is it the other woman fault? Back when I was younger, I would have thought the same thing, because I lacked self confidence in myself, and always felt that I should guard my man, because he was mine! So, now with age, I realize you don’t own a person. Yes, you  can get married, and if you both hold your vows, then everything should be fine. How well do you trust who you are married to? What about yourself?

This is why I am scared to get involved with anyone. I don’t want to go back to old ways. I want to trust who becomes my partner. And I know now, it’s okay to admire beauty, I do, so why not them? If they are committed to you and you only, there shouldn’t be an issue. Still very leery of getting involved. After all, I’m not young anymore. I’m not thin anymore. I have stretch marks and wrinkles now. I feel good about who I am, but when you are a relationship, people are different. I want to stay the same. I don’t want to be jealous of others, because that is stressful and a waste of energy, in my opinion.

I’ve heard other put people down because they don’t work as hard as what that person does. How do you know? Just because they are at home most of time, doesn’t mean there aren’t working, just not the same as you do.

I for one, am working on my judgments on others. Why does it bother me what they are doing? Is it because I use to be that way? Or I wish I could be like them? Because to me, when you pass judgement on others, you are basically talking about yourself.

We should be able to make money, have relationships and jobs without judgments of others, but we live on earth, and we have been programmed to judge others and fight with people who are not like us. Look on the TV, magazines and newspapers. If we do not do what everyone else is doing, we are the outcasts. Because we don’t want to follow and be the same, we are taught to think that person is weird. If they don’t like sports they are not american. If they follow a religion that is not Christian, they are our enemies. What the hell is that shit?

I know not everyone will agree with me, because you are going to want to argue your point to me. Save it. Think about what I just said. We all want to judge others to feel like we are better than so and so. That is my big portion of my life right now, listening and not judging. Just hoping that whatever and whoever is happy, and as long as they are not hurting others, why pass judgement?

Now to get on with my day, I’m seeing that this weekend isn’t going to have much done, because I’m starting to blog again…

Coming out of my shell at 50

I have always been what others call “shy”. I listen to what others are saying and at first, I don’t say anything. A time or two later, I’ll start opening up to you.

I started to take a CBD oil that is different from the rest that I have taken over the years since I’ve been dx with Multiple Sclerosis. The first ones kinda sorta worked. I just quit taking them because I was suppose to take a whole bottle every week, which was very costly on a fixed income. I have others buy a bottle for me to help me, but like I said, they kinda sorta worked.

When my lovely friend told me about this company that sells CBD, I was like, “okay, cool. CBD.” Thinking that it would be like the rest of the ones that I have tried. I went to a few meetings, and in the back of my head, I was interested, but fear had me saying “you don’t have the money for that!” When you live on less that $1200 a month, that is an issue, well, for me it is.

I talked to some people about the company, mixed reviewed. Most were saying that it was a lot of money to invest in a company that no one has really heard of and when the dispensaries open, we won’t have a fighting chance. Here’s the thing, not everyone can walk into a dispensary, some aren’t even interested in  the getting “high” part of what you can buy from a dispensary, some want to buy from a person that they trust and know about where and how the product is made. There are a lot of factors in this industry.

So, despite what everyone was saying, I joined Zilis. I love their products, they have more than just CBD oil, all of their products are simple and organic. They are working on a patent for the Ultra brand, which is that they take a molecule of water and a molecule of oil and combine them together for easier absorption in your body than just oil alone. The human body is mostly made of water, so as the old saying goes, “Oil and water don’t mix!” It makes total sense to me!

On this journey of starting a new business, I have had people argue with me about hemp is marijuana. It’s not. Yes it’s in the same family, so is hops. You know, what beer is made of. No one is saying anything about hops…

Back to the subject, people that are uneducated about hemp will tell you that you are selling marijuana. NO. I am not selling marijuana. I am selling hemp. Big difference. Ages ago, there use to be hemp farmers in the US. Believe it or not! Not only is hemp a medicine, but it can be used to make paper, clothing, textiles, fuel and so much more! I’m all for the hemp industry!

Plus, hemp cleans the soil! If you have had chemicals dumped on your property, such as what the farmers spray their fields with, the oil industry, or anything like that. They actually are using hemp at the Chernobyl disaster to clear the radiation left behind. Don’t believe me? Look it up. It’s true!

So the title of this article says I’m coming out of my shell. I feel it’s because of UltraCell. Before I took it, I was at home and crocheting and watching TV. I was happy with that, but I was also depressed because I didn’t have many people to talk to. I lived with chronic pain everyday from my MS and Fibromyalgia. Then I kept asking the universe for more people like me, people that could show me how to get what I what in my life, my tribe of people.

Then I made myself go out to a local event. I saw their was people like me at this event. That have similar beliefs, and thoughts like me. It was truly a blessing. Not only did it bring me to these people, energy healing techniques that I have always wanted to learn, but it brought me to UltraCell which has made me have more confidence, less stress, less depression, and the important one, less pain.

Even though I’m older now, I feel like I am finally me! That person that I’ve always wanted to be, wanting to go places and see the world, meeting new friends, and learning about life from others.

Here’s to finally going in the right direction and showing people what hemp CBD can do for them and the people they love!

Self Care

As I’m writing this, I’m thinking back when my kids were growing up. If they were sick, I was there to make them get healthy again. With my last boy, I’ve turned to what I should have been doing with all the rest of them, using herbs and natural ways to heal your body, not over the counter drugs. I would use some of the things my grandma use to do for me to make me feel better, chicken soup for colds, 7 Up or ginger ale for upset stomachs, vaporizer to help them breathe, when they were small I would sit with them in the steamy bathroom to open up their lungs with they had croup or an upper respiratory infection.

As a mom, that is your job, to take care of your kids. But what about you? Did you go without something so that your kids could have? Or your husband? Because in both of my marriages, my husbands had no problem taking and buying what they needed and wanted. I would get upset because they were making it harder on me to provide basic needs for my kids.

I always went without. Now, I’m not saying that I never got anything, just that my kids were more important to me, and I always came in last. I now do for me.

I look back at all those years of depression, sadness, and feelings of not being wanted in my marriages. Why did it take me 32 years of my adulthood to see that if I’m not happy, or love me, then I’m never going to be with someone in a relationship. And the first thing in that is self care.

If you found something that helps in your life, with more ease, less pain, brings joy and makes you smile, why do we make up excuses of why we don’t deserve it? A big one for me was money, but when I look back, I had the money, just was scared to spend it. Why?

My father played a big key in that. He always said you should save your money. For what? You can’t take it with you when you die. I want to have more money, and I’m working on it everyday so that I can travel and see the world, have my own place that is in the North away for city life in the woods, buy more books or whatever. But, we are stuck in this we need to have money to pass on to our family mode. Yes, if I do have money, I want it to go to my kids, all 5 of them. If I don’t have money but land, to me that’s more valuable, they can sell it or live on it, but they will divide it up.

Making up excuses, such as I don’t have the money right now, then going out to an expensive resturant and spending close to what you wanted on self care for just you, why did you not just do the self care? How badly does your children need that toy? Will it make them happy? For how long? Isn’t it important that you are happy for your kids? You are not being selfish. YOU MEAN MORE THAN A TOY, EATING OUT AT A FANCY RESTAURANT, OR MAKING EVERYONE ELSE HAPPY! You come in FIRST!

What I’m saying is, since I’ve started selling CBD, I have noticed that people that can afford it, usually don’t buy it again because of some reason from above. But people that are on fixed incomes, buy every month from me. They all talk to me about how UltraCell is helping, then talk about what is going on in their lives. So I’m getting the I can’t do self care on my self because…. and the people that don’t have a lot of money, make sure that they do self care for their bodies, because they know the secret of being happy is being out of pain, less anxious and depression, lowering your blood pressure to not have the weird feelings of a higher BP without taking medicine from the doctor, helping their diabetes with out insulin and helping their autoimmune diseases.

Same with other things that I sell. I’m a baker. People do not care how much I charge, if they want it, they buy it. That’s a form of self care. It can be a form of self pity sometimes. I know, food makes me happy. I over do it sometimes.

Selling really isn’t my thing, but I’m doing it with all kinds of different items. I also do Access Conscientiousness Bars. I started off doing it for $40, then I started to think about what I was doing for others. $40 was not enough. I raised my prices to $60. I have people that say I can’t afford $60. So you are not worth $60 to have less stress, more joy and happiness, a new thought pattern? That seems like you are not feeling that you are worth $60. You ARE worth $60! It will help you for 2-3 weeks, break that down. $20 a week. Are you still not worth it?

Same with the CBD. It is a higher quality CBD that is water soluble, made in the U.S. and is organically processed and grown. As the old saying goes, you get what you pay for. You have no idea how those other CBD’s are processed, where they are grown at and what is in them. Are they full spectrum? Or are they only using one or two parts of the hemp?

I feel that if we all took better care of ourselves, that maybe we could get along better. Maybe be in less pain, so we can get out and do fun thing to stay happy. Less drama, Less hate, Less angry if we started to care and love ourselves first.

Starting again

So, It’s been ages since I’ve actually wrote anything. I alot has changed in my life since the last time I wrote.

The number one thing that I’m trying to do is start a few different businesses. It’s a little stressful, but I think I’m on my way. My business is organic dog treats. I sell them to a few different people and at vending events. It’s a little business, but it’s what got me started in thinking about my future after my son graduates, and no child support is coming. I literally started to freak out. Then I started baking human treats.

That one is a little bigger, and I do well when I bake cupcakes, cookies, and cakes. Some times I get special orders, which makes my week knowing that someone was thinking of me to make and bake for their event.

I have always felt that I have a special power, not power, but ability to heal others. I was introduced to a local event that was happening in my area called The Share, which is reiki, tarot, venders selling crystals and stones, other healing technics, one that is called Access Consciousness. It’s 32 points on your head that can help you delete things for less stress, more money, more possibilities, less sadness, hope you to move forward, helps with stress, and even if you don’t believe, it’s like a nice message on your head 🙂 I took all the classes to teach, I’m going to be teaching in the next month for people that want to learn how to do “Bars” the points on your head.

I crochet a lot. I sell hats, scarves, purses, and whatever I think could sell. I don’t have a lot of time to do that anymore since my life has picked up in the past year. It is relaxing to do, when I have the time.

The last thing that I’m doing is I joined a company, Zilis. It’s a company that I feel stands for what I feel is good for our bodies. Mostly for the CBD Oil that is a big seller, because of the technology that they use to make the product. It’s all organic, grown in Colorado on certified Organic soil, processed in Texas with pressure, not extracted with alcohol or butane, it’s water soluble, which means you will get more of the oil with this because we are mostly make of water. How do they do that? They take one molecule of oil and one molecule of water and combine them together. Dr. Derrick DeSilva designed the technology for this CBD. It’s not like the CBD’s you can pick up and the gas station or your local headshop or health food store. It’s a quality CBD. It doesn’t come in vape or topical yet. This is a brand new company, a little over 2 years. You take in our mouth, under your tongue and swallow. Also, I didn’t mention, it’s hemp, not marijuana. You can pass a drug test because there is not enough THC in hemp to test positive. I know. I’ve been tested 3 times and I pass every time.

I tried the best CBD products in the past, but this one I felt something within 8 days. The others were so pricey, $80-120 a bottle and they said I needed to take a bottle a week! $320-480 a month! And they didn’t do what Zilis UltraCell does for me. Not even close. I haven’t had a panic attack since I’ve started taking it in March, my anxiety level has dropped severely like barely there! My pain level has gone from 8-10 every couple of days to 3-5 every couple of weeks. It’s an amazing product! And I have regular customers that it is doing wonderful things for.

So that is what has been going on in my life. I now have a senior in high school, my daughters 2 pugs are living with me 8-9 months of the year and it’s only my son a I that live in my house now with the pets.

I have met some many new and interesting people in my life, it is just amazing at what they teach me and how they love me for me! 50 years old and my life is changing for the better, I’m on the road to my destination. It may not be the way I think it’s going to happen, but I know that I am going to live in the north, in the country, close to or in the woods, and I’m going to see all the places I’ve been wanting to see over in Europe. I know this, I can feel it, It is going to happen!

I have no words

I came home yesterday after a near breakdown with my son and my ex who is living with me. After talking to many about how I was feeling and asked for some suggestions from around 15 people. They all had me looking at things differently after 4 days away.

I came back drained emotionally and physically because I hardly slept at all while I was away. My plan was to talk to my son one on one about what happened and see if he would be willing to work with me on a contract for me and him so that things work out.

On Friday, I had lost it and asked him if he could listen to me about the situation and don’t lie to me about it. He said nothing. I told him that I couldn’t take it anymore, the disrespect and him doing whatever the hell he wants. I was going to have to leave if things didn’t change. I left for the weekend hoping that maybe he would think about what I said.

When I came back I slept for 15 hours straight. Got up and got my son off to school then started to talk to my ex about the situation. OH MY GAWD! I learned a lot about who I am according to my ex. I have learned that I’m a shitty mother, and that I’ve never been there for my kids, that I don’t love them and that my ex loves them and according to him, he has always been there for them, I’m a fat, lazy selfish bitch, that he doesn’t care that I’m sick because according to him, I’m always bring it up that I’m sick and I want everyone else to feel as sick as me and as sad as me when I’m depressed, how dare I threaten to leave my son because he won’t listen to me and just does whatever the hell he wants, I am his mother and if I leave him I’m a weak person that is only thinking of herself. 20 minutes of him saying shit like I treat my ex like shit, I never do anything for him, and according to him, he does everything for me and it’s never good enough. He wouldn’t let me talk. He said that he and my son will leave me here with this house and I can figure out how I’m going to make it without my ex in the house.

Well, hear is what I have to said to all of that. I am not a shitty mom, I have made mistakes, I’m human. I have ALWAYS been there for my kids, unlike their dad who drugs are always the first thing, cigs and anything else like alcohol when he drank. I paid my bills so that the kids had electric, gas, phone, water and a place to live. Their dad always never paid the bills and most of the time I would have to send food ever to his house because he didn’t have any to feed them. I don’t bring up the fact that I’m sick, he always asks me how I’m feeling, guess I should just lie and say I’m fine even when I’m in so much pain I’m crying. I will just put on the fake happy face and pretend that I’m fine because he obviously doesn’t want to hear the truth. He does do things around here, but not everything. I do appreciate what he does, but he expects great applause for every little thing he does. He can’t even fill out state papers to get free insurance because I refuse to do it for him. He can’t work because he is in so much pain, and tells me about everyday, I don’t put him down for being in pain. What I don’t understand is why he won’t help himself without me holding his hand like he is a child!

I did talk to my son today. I apologized to him for saying that I’m leaving and why I said it. I didn’t tell my son that I was on my way to a breakdown. He didn’t need to hear that. I also didn’t tell my son what his dad and I got into a fight about. I did tell him we got in a fight, but that was it.  I think things will work out with my son and me. I asked him if he wanted to move his bedroom upstairs after I get everything cleaned and painted, gave myself 2 weeks to get this in order, hope I can do this! He said yes he wanted to move back upstairs. We spent the day together, I pulled him out of school so we could spend sometime together without his dad in the picture. We both agreed to do the contract for both myself and for my son. We went shopping, went walking in the woods, went out to eat and wasted 45 more minutes before we headed home. I feel much better after listening to my son talk to me about random information, he is turning into quite the joker!

I am upstairs for the rest of the night. I don’t want to talk to my ex after all the horrible things he said to me. I know in the back of my head that he is the same person that he has always been. It’s all about him and it always has been. For once in my life I feel like he should be the parent, but I know how it will end up for my son if I leave him with my ex. I want my son to succeed, I am proud of him, and I DO LOVE all OF MY Children, no matter what that asshole says!

That went all wrong…

Have you ever said something jokingly that someone turned into something huge, that wasn’t what you meant in the first place??

Yeah, that just happened to me. I was talking to my ex and was joking about how I like to do my canning when nobody’s home because someone always messes with the jars or the pressure cooker and I lose product. It’s not really a joke, but I was just kidding. But he did ruin a whole batch of beans and 3 jars of salsa last year.

He stewed on it and came out of the bedroom screaming and reaming me about how I always put him down and belittle him. That wasn’t what I was saying. But he is like a little kid, if you tell him not to do something, he does it, like I’m lying about what will happen….

Sigh…I’m not crying and I didn’t argue with him, because that is what he wants. He wants me to cry and beg  and argue with him. Not going to happen. That is too much energy wasted. To be perfectly honest, I don’t really care how he feels about me.

I’m letting him live here with me and his son. There is nothing going on between us. I’m not lying. I’m not attracted to him after all the years of mental abuse he did to me, how could I be? I’m being nice to him so he has somewhere to live, and his son gets to have him in his life. I’m not going to let him destroy me again. Not ever again.

I clean up after him, I do his laundry, I pay most of the bills in the house, he gives me child support and buys groceries.

I have had some many people tell me that there is no way in hell they could let someone like him back in their house. I need his help, but, not really. I could have my daughter move back in the house until Wyatt graduates, then I’m out of Findlay.

I think I should be able to be me, sarcastic me, different me, me me! I feel that since I’m allowing him to live here, that maybe he should not go manic on me ever 3-5 days. Maybe he should grow up and be an adult for once in his life….

My oldest son just moved out of the house today. An hour later this happens. I’m sad that my son left home, he is my first boy. I sure the hell didn’t need this today.

Oh and another thing, if I didn’t give a crap about him, I sure wouldn’t go buy medicines for him because he won’t fill out state insurance forms to go to the doctor and he is in so much pain, but refuses to fill out the forms to get the help he needs. He spends all of his free time sleeping because he is in pain. He won’t help himself , and I’m not holding his hand and doing it for him!

I’m not sharing this on social network, but if you are following me you can read this. I have had all I can take from this asshole. If he doesn’t like it, he can move. It’s just that simple. I’m not going to cry over the hurtful things he said to me today, last week, last year or the 28 other years of him making me feel like I’m not worthy of him. He isn’t worthy of me. I have spent my entire life with him in it one way or another.  I just want him out of my life and I only have 3 more years of having to deal with him because once my son graduates, I’m moving away from Findlay, away from Ohio far far away!

Hoping that all of this energy work I’ve been doing will happen before I have to leave, or a sign of how I can make this work for me. I have spent 31 years so far being a mom. I am ready for the next chapter of my life to happen, without my ex in it!

Sorry about the bitching, but since I really don’t have friends anymore to talk to I have to blog my feelings to get it out.

Fatigued with MS & Fibro

I had so much that I wanted to do today. I was having indications that I was starting to have a flare up of some sort yesterday. I was getting irritated with myself and how when people were talking to me, I felt like I was under pressure and I couldn’t answer questions because my mind was coming up with nothing to say.

This morning when I woke up I layed in bed for one and half hours because I felt like I didn’t get enough sleep. Eventho I slept for six and half hours, and to top it off, I wanted to go back to sleep, but my body wouldn’t let me ! I got up fatigued as hell. I’m on my third cup of coffee and I’m still exhausted.

There is no way in hell I’m going out around people today. I would be bitchy and feel like everyone was out to get me. That’s how it feels when I get like this. Like everyone knows I’m struggling and they are personally going out of their way to be rude and not nice towards me. I know this is only in my head half the time, I do live in a town where people are rude and think they should be first at everything, but not all of the people in my town are like this.

Just yesterday when I was out shopping, I had an older lady ahead of me in Krogers, and she was using coupons. Of course, as usual with store coupons, you have to buy so many boxes or containers of the item you are buying to get the coupon. This gal thought she had gotten enough, 4 boxes of cereal, but the coupon was for 5 boxes. I stood there talking to her when the baggers were going back to get her extra box, 2 baggers and the cashier later, she finally got her box of cereal. I’m glad she didn’t let them cheat her out of money. Coupons are how many are surviving now  days. She kept saying “Thank you for being so patient” why wouldn’t I be? I had nothing better to do, I was buying a few groceries and some mums for my porch. I know why she said that. The people of this town are in such a hurry to be first, rush to this, are so much more important than you are, she felt that I was one of those people, I’m not. Yes, someday when I’m in a hurry I’ll use self checkout lines, be yesterday I wasn’t and I got to talk to a nice older lady about her grandchildren 🙂

This is why I’m not going out on a Sunday to boot. My awesome town , after church mind you, they are the rudist! I don’t go to church as I’ve said before, and not all of the christians in this town are like this, but I would have to say after working in the food industry, Sunday people are cheap and rude to their servers in this town. Even when shopping, they are rude! I don’t understand why they go to church, aren’t they listening to the sermons? Didn’t their God and Jesus say to help and love everyone??  Hypocrites that are just “doing it just for show” to me.

I have family and friends that are christian, this is not about you in particular. This is looking at the people of my wonderful town, republican, conservative, not really ready for anything new, town. You ask why I’m still in this town then? I don’t fit in this town at all. I have a son that is still in high school, I never moved out of this town when my older kids were growing up, I want to try and stay here for my last son, then I’m so f’n out of here!

I want to move east and north, maybe Maine? I don’t want to live on the coast, there is no way that I could ever afford that! I am on disability. I receive under $900 a month to live off of.

No, I’m not on food stamps, yes I get help with insurance for healthcare. Yes, my son gets free lunch and his classes are paid for with help. Am I proud that I’m on assistance? No. I can not work a regular job with Multiple Sclerosis, Fibromyalgia and Glaucoma.  I never know if today I can see, how much pain I’m going to be in, if my arms or legs are going to work for me, if I’m going to have vertigo all day, if I’m going to have a killer migraine that will not go away, the symptoms go on and on. There is no one that will hire me, and work with how I feel everyday without firing me shortly after.

I started this blog about the fatigue I’m having today. I’m still tired. I was just asked what my plans were for the day..not a damn thing. So, don’t stand there and say “nothing at all?” Don’t make me feel guilty for having autoimmune diseases thank you, now my stomach is upset because I feel like i should be up and moving, with this horrible fatigue that I’m experiencing.

October Love

I absolutely love October! I don’t mind November or December either! When October comes, it seems to fly by faster than the speed of light to me. No other month goes this fast except December just because of everything that is demanded during this month.

Watching horror movies everyday in October is a goal for me. I love older horror movies with Vincent Price, Christopher  Lee, Peter Cushing, Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi. I’m not into the blood and gore today. I use to watch Freddie Kruger, Micheal  Myers and Jason but those days are long gone. It makes my stomach upset to watch them now. The only bloody gory horror movies that I watch, and close my eyes in the bloody parts, is Rob Zombie movies. Not only do I love his music, but his movies aren’t too bad, but once again, the blood and gore is too much for me now that I’m older.

Growing up I loved Scooby-Doo, The Munsters, Bewitched, The Addams Family, The Twilight Zone anything the was scary, had monsters, witches, vampires, werewolves, mummies, anything like that. It hasn’t changed for me. I love thrillers, mysteries and monsters still to this day.

Being born in October, I have always loved dressing up and being someone else for a day or two. Trick or Treat was my favorite time of year as a child. Most kids loved Christmas, I didn’t. It wasn’t what I thought it should be, Christmas, I’m talking about. In my mind Christmas was when you got the toys from Santa that you asked for. That rarely happened for me. My stepmom would always make sure to make me feel like I was a brat and unappreciative of the cheap toys my dad and her bought for me that I never asked for. But, Halloween was always a happy time for me, even when my dad and stepmom would try to ruin it for me, there were parties at school, blue birds and kids had parties that I could go to, even if I couldn’t trick or treat, I could celebrate it.

I am not trying to get you to feel bad for me. It is just my perception of what happened to me when I was growing up. I still don’t really like Christmas. I don’t celebrate “Christmas” because I am not Christian. I do have Christmas here with the family, because I raised my children with this holiday.We did Santa, not baby Jesus. I grew up with my dad as a christian minister with the Church of Christ churches. I saw my dad give his sermons at the pulpit every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and any Christian holiday. Watching him give his “sermons” to his fellowship made me cringe. Way you ask? My dad didn’t practice what he preached.

Listening to him say things like you should never hit your child in anger, don’t be hard on your children, love your children and spent quality time with them…ect, ect, ect. What a bunch of bullshit! I would pray to this god my dad preached about. Ask him to help me from the beatings I was receiving for making mistakes any child makes. Save me from the lies my stepmom would tell my dad of things that I never did, to get me beat. To please just stop the mental abuse I was receiving from both my dad and my stepmom. He never answered. He never helped. He never stopped my dad from beating me. He never stopped my stepmom from lying. I lost my faith in this christian God and Jesus.

So, that’s way I don’t care about Christmas and love Halloween. Sorry I spun off on my childhood with my dad and stepmom. Just had to tell you way I love Halloween.

I have always loved Edgar Allen Poe because of the movies that were based off of his tales. The Fall of the House of Usher was the first movie I saw and I loved it! The Pit and the Pendulum was the next one and that one scared the cap out of me, I was 6 or 7, so as you can imagine, this was super scary to me! The Raven was my FAVORITE movie of all times as a kid. That’s when I found out the movies were from Edgar Allen Poe. I have read Poe’s tales over the years, he was truly the master of horror to me!

As an adult, I have chosen to get tattoos of the things I love. I have The Raven, Nevermore and Halloween on my right arm in a sleeve. I am a bit obsessed with Halloween. I figure since this time of year makes me happy, I would put in a tattoo on my body. I also have a faerie on my back and the Cheshire cat, because we are all a little strange 😉

All in all, Halloween has allowed me the happiness I always searched for. It let me be someone else for a day when my life was not happy. I’m in charge of my own life now, and I still love Halloween.