I came home yesterday after a near breakdown with my son and my ex who is living with me. After talking to many about how I was feeling and asked for some suggestions from around 15 people. They all had me looking at things differently after 4 days away.
I came back drained emotionally and physically because I hardly slept at all while I was away. My plan was to talk to my son one on one about what happened and see if he would be willing to work with me on a contract for me and him so that things work out.
On Friday, I had lost it and asked him if he could listen to me about the situation and don’t lie to me about it. He said nothing. I told him that I couldn’t take it anymore, the disrespect and him doing whatever the hell he wants. I was going to have to leave if things didn’t change. I left for the weekend hoping that maybe he would think about what I said.
When I came back I slept for 15 hours straight. Got up and got my son off to school then started to talk to my ex about the situation. OH MY GAWD! I learned a lot about who I am according to my ex. I have learned that I’m a shitty mother, and that I’ve never been there for my kids, that I don’t love them and that my ex loves them and according to him, he has always been there for them, I’m a fat, lazy selfish bitch, that he doesn’t care that I’m sick because according to him, I’m always bring it up that I’m sick and I want everyone else to feel as sick as me and as sad as me when I’m depressed, how dare I threaten to leave my son because he won’t listen to me and just does whatever the hell he wants, I am his mother and if I leave him I’m a weak person that is only thinking of herself. 20 minutes of him saying shit like I treat my ex like shit, I never do anything for him, and according to him, he does everything for me and it’s never good enough. He wouldn’t let me talk. He said that he and my son will leave me here with this house and I can figure out how I’m going to make it without my ex in the house.
Well, hear is what I have to said to all of that. I am not a shitty mom, I have made mistakes, I’m human. I have ALWAYS been there for my kids, unlike their dad who drugs are always the first thing, cigs and anything else like alcohol when he drank. I paid my bills so that the kids had electric, gas, phone, water and a place to live. Their dad always never paid the bills and most of the time I would have to send food ever to his house because he didn’t have any to feed them. I don’t bring up the fact that I’m sick, he always asks me how I’m feeling, guess I should just lie and say I’m fine even when I’m in so much pain I’m crying. I will just put on the fake happy face and pretend that I’m fine because he obviously doesn’t want to hear the truth. He does do things around here, but not everything. I do appreciate what he does, but he expects great applause for every little thing he does. He can’t even fill out state papers to get free insurance because I refuse to do it for him. He can’t work because he is in so much pain, and tells me about everyday, I don’t put him down for being in pain. What I don’t understand is why he won’t help himself without me holding his hand like he is a child!
I did talk to my son today. I apologized to him for saying that I’m leaving and why I said it. I didn’t tell my son that I was on my way to a breakdown. He didn’t need to hear that. I also didn’t tell my son what his dad and I got into a fight about. I did tell him we got in a fight, but that was it. I think things will work out with my son and me. I asked him if he wanted to move his bedroom upstairs after I get everything cleaned and painted, gave myself 2 weeks to get this in order, hope I can do this! He said yes he wanted to move back upstairs. We spent the day together, I pulled him out of school so we could spend sometime together without his dad in the picture. We both agreed to do the contract for both myself and for my son. We went shopping, went walking in the woods, went out to eat and wasted 45 more minutes before we headed home. I feel much better after listening to my son talk to me about random information, he is turning into quite the joker!
I am upstairs for the rest of the night. I don’t want to talk to my ex after all the horrible things he said to me. I know in the back of my head that he is the same person that he has always been. It’s all about him and it always has been. For once in my life I feel like he should be the parent, but I know how it will end up for my son if I leave him with my ex. I want my son to succeed, I am proud of him, and I DO LOVE all OF MY Children, no matter what that asshole says!