I have no words

I came home yesterday after a near breakdown with my son and my ex who is living with me. After talking to many about how I was feeling and asked for some suggestions from around 15 people. They all had me looking at things differently after 4 days away.

I came back drained emotionally and physically because I hardly slept at all while I was away. My plan was to talk to my son one on one about what happened and see if he would be willing to work with me on a contract for me and him so that things work out.

On Friday, I had lost it and asked him if he could listen to me about the situation and don’t lie to me about it. He said nothing. I told him that I couldn’t take it anymore, the disrespect and him doing whatever the hell he wants. I was going to have to leave if things didn’t change. I left for the weekend hoping that maybe he would think about what I said.

When I came back I slept for 15 hours straight. Got up and got my son off to school then started to talk to my ex about the situation. OH MY GAWD! I learned a lot about who I am according to my ex. I have learned that I’m a shitty mother, and that I’ve never been there for my kids, that I don’t love them and that my ex loves them and according to him, he has always been there for them, I’m a fat, lazy selfish bitch, that he doesn’t care that I’m sick because according to him, I’m always bring it up that I’m sick and I want everyone else to feel as sick as me and as sad as me when I’m depressed, how dare I threaten to leave my son because he won’t listen to me and just does whatever the hell he wants, I am his mother and if I leave him I’m a weak person that is only thinking of herself. 20 minutes of him saying shit like I treat my ex like shit, I never do anything for him, and according to him, he does everything for me and it’s never good enough. He wouldn’t let me talk. He said that he and my son will leave me here with this house and I can figure out how I’m going to make it without my ex in the house.

Well, hear is what I have to said to all of that. I am not a shitty mom, I have made mistakes, I’m human. I have ALWAYS been there for my kids, unlike their dad who drugs are always the first thing, cigs and anything else like alcohol when he drank. I paid my bills so that the kids had electric, gas, phone, water and a place to live. Their dad always never paid the bills and most of the time I would have to send food ever to his house because he didn’t have any to feed them. I don’t bring up the fact that I’m sick, he always asks me how I’m feeling, guess I should just lie and say I’m fine even when I’m in so much pain I’m crying. I will just put on the fake happy face and pretend that I’m fine because he obviously doesn’t want to hear the truth. He does do things around here, but not everything. I do appreciate what he does, but he expects great applause for every little thing he does. He can’t even fill out state papers to get free insurance because I refuse to do it for him. He can’t work because he is in so much pain, and tells me about everyday, I don’t put him down for being in pain. What I don’t understand is why he won’t help himself without me holding his hand like he is a child!

I did talk to my son today. I apologized to him for saying that I’m leaving and why I said it. I didn’t tell my son that I was on my way to a breakdown. He didn’t need to hear that. I also didn’t tell my son what his dad and I got into a fight about. I did tell him we got in a fight, but that was it.  I think things will work out with my son and me. I asked him if he wanted to move his bedroom upstairs after I get everything cleaned and painted, gave myself 2 weeks to get this in order, hope I can do this! He said yes he wanted to move back upstairs. We spent the day together, I pulled him out of school so we could spend sometime together without his dad in the picture. We both agreed to do the contract for both myself and for my son. We went shopping, went walking in the woods, went out to eat and wasted 45 more minutes before we headed home. I feel much better after listening to my son talk to me about random information, he is turning into quite the joker!

I am upstairs for the rest of the night. I don’t want to talk to my ex after all the horrible things he said to me. I know in the back of my head that he is the same person that he has always been. It’s all about him and it always has been. For once in my life I feel like he should be the parent, but I know how it will end up for my son if I leave him with my ex. I want my son to succeed, I am proud of him, and I DO LOVE all OF MY Children, no matter what that asshole says!

That went all wrong…

Have you ever said something jokingly that someone turned into something huge, that wasn’t what you meant in the first place??

Yeah, that just happened to me. I was talking to my ex and was joking about how I like to do my canning when nobody’s home because someone always messes with the jars or the pressure cooker and I lose product. It’s not really a joke, but I was just kidding. But he did ruin a whole batch of beans and 3 jars of salsa last year.

He stewed on it and came out of the bedroom screaming and reaming me about how I always put him down and belittle him. That wasn’t what I was saying. But he is like a little kid, if you tell him not to do something, he does it, like I’m lying about what will happen….

Sigh…I’m not crying and I didn’t argue with him, because that is what he wants. He wants me to cry and beg  and argue with him. Not going to happen. That is too much energy wasted. To be perfectly honest, I don’t really care how he feels about me.

I’m letting him live here with me and his son. There is nothing going on between us. I’m not lying. I’m not attracted to him after all the years of mental abuse he did to me, how could I be? I’m being nice to him so he has somewhere to live, and his son gets to have him in his life. I’m not going to let him destroy me again. Not ever again.

I clean up after him, I do his laundry, I pay most of the bills in the house, he gives me child support and buys groceries.

I have had some many people tell me that there is no way in hell they could let someone like him back in their house. I need his help, but, not really. I could have my daughter move back in the house until Wyatt graduates, then I’m out of Findlay.

I think I should be able to be me, sarcastic me, different me, me me! I feel that since I’m allowing him to live here, that maybe he should not go manic on me ever 3-5 days. Maybe he should grow up and be an adult for once in his life….

My oldest son just moved out of the house today. An hour later this happens. I’m sad that my son left home, he is my first boy. I sure the hell didn’t need this today.

Oh and another thing, if I didn’t give a crap about him, I sure wouldn’t go buy medicines for him because he won’t fill out state insurance forms to go to the doctor and he is in so much pain, but refuses to fill out the forms to get the help he needs. He spends all of his free time sleeping because he is in pain. He won’t help himself , and I’m not holding his hand and doing it for him!

I’m not sharing this on social network, but if you are following me you can read this. I have had all I can take from this asshole. If he doesn’t like it, he can move. It’s just that simple. I’m not going to cry over the hurtful things he said to me today, last week, last year or the 28 other years of him making me feel like I’m not worthy of him. He isn’t worthy of me. I have spent my entire life with him in it one way or another.  I just want him out of my life and I only have 3 more years of having to deal with him because once my son graduates, I’m moving away from Findlay, away from Ohio far far away!

Hoping that all of this energy work I’ve been doing will happen before I have to leave, or a sign of how I can make this work for me. I have spent 31 years so far being a mom. I am ready for the next chapter of my life to happen, without my ex in it!

Sorry about the bitching, but since I really don’t have friends anymore to talk to I have to blog my feelings to get it out.

Fatigued with MS & Fibro

fatigued

I had so much that I wanted to do today. I was having indications that I was starting to have a flare up of some sort yesterday. I was getting irritated with myself and how when people were talking to me, I felt like I was under pressure and I couldn’t answer questions because my mind was coming up with nothing to say.

This morning when I woke up I layed in bed for one and half hours because I felt like I didn’t get enough sleep. Eventho I slept for six and half hours, and to top it off, I wanted to go back to sleep, but my body wouldn’t let me ! I got up fatigued as hell. I’m on my third cup of coffee and I’m still exhausted.

ms-fog

There is no way in hell I’m going out around people today. I would be bitchy and feel like everyone was out to get me. That’s how it feels when I get like this. Like everyone knows I’m struggling and they are personally going out of their way to be rude and not nice towards me. I know this is only in my head half the time, I do live in a town where people are rude and think they should be first at everything, but not all of the people in my town are like this.

Just yesterday when I was out shopping, I had an older lady ahead of me in Krogers, and she was using coupons. Of course, as usual with store coupons, you have to buy so many boxes or containers of the item you are buying to get the coupon. This gal thought she had gotten enough, 4 boxes of cereal, but the coupon was for 5 boxes. I stood there talking to her when the baggers were going back to get her extra box, 2 baggers and the cashier later, she finally got her box of cereal. I’m glad she didn’t let them cheat her out of money. Coupons are how many are surviving now  days. She kept saying “Thank you for being so patient” why wouldn’t I be? I had nothing better to do, I was buying a few groceries and some mums for my porch. I know why she said that. The people of this town are in such a hurry to be first, rush to this, are so much more important than you are, she felt that I was one of those people, I’m not. Yes, someday when I’m in a hurry I’ll use self checkout lines, be yesterday I wasn’t and I got to talk to a nice older lady about her grandchildren 🙂

This is why I’m not going out on a Sunday to boot. My awesome town , after church mind you, they are the rudist! I don’t go to church as I’ve said before, and not all of the christians in this town are like this, but I would have to say after working in the food industry, Sunday people are cheap and rude to their servers in this town. Even when shopping, they are rude! I don’t understand why they go to church, aren’t they listening to the sermons? Didn’t their God and Jesus say to help and love everyone??  Hypocrites that are just “doing it just for show” to me.

I have family and friends that are christian, this is not about you in particular. This is looking at the people of my wonderful town, republican, conservative, not really ready for anything new, town. You ask why I’m still in this town then? I don’t fit in this town at all. I have a son that is still in high school, I never moved out of this town when my older kids were growing up, I want to try and stay here for my last son, then I’m so f’n out of here!

I want to move east and north, maybe Maine? I don’t want to live on the coast, there is no way that I could ever afford that! I am on disability. I receive under $900 a month to live off of.

No, I’m not on food stamps, yes I get help with insurance for healthcare. Yes, my son gets free lunch and his classes are paid for with help. Am I proud that I’m on assistance? No. I can not work a regular job with Multiple Sclerosis, Fibromyalgia and Glaucoma.  I never know if today I can see, how much pain I’m going to be in, if my arms or legs are going to work for me, if I’m going to have vertigo all day, if I’m going to have a killer migraine that will not go away, the symptoms go on and on. There is no one that will hire me, and work with how I feel everyday without firing me shortly after.

its-called-fatigue

I started this blog about the fatigue I’m having today. I’m still tired. I was just asked what my plans were for the day..not a damn thing. So, don’t stand there and say “nothing at all?” Don’t make me feel guilty for having autoimmune diseases thank you, now my stomach is upset because I feel like i should be up and moving, with this horrible fatigue that I’m experiencing. :/

guilty

October Love

I absolutely love October! I don’t mind November or December either! When October comes, it seems to fly by faster than the speed of light to me. No other month goes this fast except December just because of everything that is demanded during this month.

Watching horror movies everyday in October is a goal for me. I love older horror movies with Vincent Price, Christopher  Lee, Peter Cushing, Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi. I’m not into the blood and gore today. I use to watch Freddie Kruger, Micheal  Myers and Jason but those days are long gone. It makes my stomach upset to watch them now. The only bloody gory horror movies that I watch, and close my eyes in the bloody parts, is Rob Zombie movies. Not only do I love his music, but his movies aren’t too bad, but once again, the blood and gore is too much for me now that I’m older.

Growing up I loved Scooby-Doo, The Munsters, Bewitched, The Addams Family, The Twilight Zone anything the was scary, had monsters, witches, vampires, werewolves, mummies, anything like that. It hasn’t changed for me. I love thrillers, mysteries and monsters still to this day.

Being born in October, I have always loved dressing up and being someone else for a day or two. Trick or Treat was my favorite time of year as a child. Most kids loved Christmas, I didn’t. It wasn’t what I thought it should be, Christmas, I’m talking about. In my mind Christmas was when you got the toys from Santa that you asked for. That rarely happened for me. My stepmom would always make sure to make me feel like I was a brat and unappreciative of the cheap toys my dad and her bought for me that I never asked for. But, Halloween was always a happy time for me, even when my dad and stepmom would try to ruin it for me, there were parties at school, blue birds and kids had parties that I could go to, even if I couldn’t trick or treat, I could celebrate it.

I am not trying to get you to feel bad for me. It is just my perception of what happened to me when I was growing up. I still don’t really like Christmas. I don’t celebrate “Christmas” because I am not Christian. I do have Christmas here with the family, because I raised my children with this holiday.We did Santa, not baby Jesus. I grew up with my dad as a christian minister with the Church of Christ churches. I saw my dad give his sermons at the pulpit every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and any Christian holiday. Watching him give his “sermons” to his fellowship made me cringe. Way you ask? My dad didn’t practice what he preached.

Listening to him say things like you should never hit your child in anger, don’t be hard on your children, love your children and spent quality time with them…ect, ect, ect. What a bunch of bullshit! I would pray to this god my dad preached about. Ask him to help me from the beatings I was receiving for making mistakes any child makes. Save me from the lies my stepmom would tell my dad of things that I never did, to get me beat. To please just stop the mental abuse I was receiving from both my dad and my stepmom. He never answered. He never helped. He never stopped my dad from beating me. He never stopped my stepmom from lying. I lost my faith in this christian God and Jesus.

So, that’s way I don’t care about Christmas and love Halloween. Sorry I spun off on my childhood with my dad and stepmom. Just had to tell you way I love Halloween.

I have always loved Edgar Allen Poe because of the movies that were based off of his tales. The Fall of the House of Usher was the first movie I saw and I loved it! The Pit and the Pendulum was the next one and that one scared the cap out of me, I was 6 or 7, so as you can imagine, this was super scary to me! The Raven was my FAVORITE movie of all times as a kid. That’s when I found out the movies were from Edgar Allen Poe. I have read Poe’s tales over the years, he was truly the master of horror to me!

As an adult, I have chosen to get tattoos of the things I love. I have The Raven, Nevermore and Halloween on my right arm in a sleeve. I am a bit obsessed with Halloween. I figure since this time of year makes me happy, I would put in a tattoo on my body. I also have a faerie on my back and the Cheshire cat, because we are all a little strange 😉

All in all, Halloween has allowed me the happiness I always searched for. It let me be someone else for a day when my life was not happy. I’m in charge of my own life now, and I still love Halloween.

halloween-teacookies

Moving on with life

Last night I went to a city council meeting. I’m trying to get more involved with what is happening in my town, and I’m finding out some interesting things about how these meetings work and what is discussed at the meetings.

Initially I went because I wanted to stop the ban of Medical Marijuana dispensaries that the mayor had slipped in as an emergency because she had forgotten about MM had pasted in Ohio and god forbid we have a natural medicine in Findlay Ohio!

I have gone to all 3 hearings and thought that last night was going to be the final call for it. I didn’t want to go just because I know how things work in this town. My town is VERY republican.  I am not. I’m basically everything opposite of conservative republican. I am not a democrat, I’m an independent liberal.  So imagine my surprise when half of the council said they couldn’t vote on it because of the wording and they feel like it is unfair to right out of the gate put a ban on it!

I’m thinking about giving a speech at the next meeting. I only have 4 minutes to talk and I’m terrified to stand up in front of people and say what I feel should be said. Having Multiple Sclerosis, Fibromyalgia and Glaucoma  I feel that this should be an option for people like me that no longer want to be on pharmaceuticals and will help ALL of my symptoms without taking pills that do not even help me with pain.

But the one thing I need to get is reliable information that doesn’t come from a marijuana site. I feel that council will frown on the information if it comes from these sites. I needs to be for news sites that have published articles about MM in a positive way of the benefits and how it really does cure people of their diseases.

Having MS and Fibro makes this an issues because I have a hard time reading and staying focused on an article. I’m going to try my best to give them reliable information and tell them what’s it’s like to have my autoimmune diseases all in 4 minutes. I can’t get emotional, upset or cry. Just tell them why I feel they shouldn’t ban it and what’s like to be me seeing this happen and how unfair i feel it is.

Moving on, I am determined to get healthy and heal myself. I know that I cannot count on anyone to walk with me, and I shouldn’t. It’s up to me to do it on my own. I have change my eating, I no longer eat meat, I do eat seafood, fish, eggs and cheese on my vegetarian diet. I feel better without red meat and chicken. Shopping for those that live in my house is a challenge for me now, because I can’t look at meat without feeling grossed out and nauseated.

I am going to lose more weight, I need too. I think I will feel better if I lost 30 more pounds. So, walking 5 miles a day should help me in that area. I listen to music or listen to a book on audio to help me complete the walk. I often stop and take pictures, because I feel I need to be more awake to nature that surrounds me. I would love to have a good camera that I could use to take pictures…someday!

In my future, I want to go to Maine, well, I actually want to see the east coast. I went to Philly over the summer, and wished that I could have seen more of the coast when we traveled to New Jersey, but the weather was not working for me at the time that I went. Maybe if I went in the Fall it would work out better. 100 degree weather is not my cup of tea!

The last thing that I’m going to say that will be in my future is a passport for me and my son. I don’t have money for it, but I’m going to get it. I really want to see the world. I’m not sure what is going to happen in the next few years here in the states. I think having a passport would benefit both the traveling aspect and the conspiracy theory aspect in my mind right now.I don’t think my ideas are conspiracies, but I’ve had plenty of people tell me that when I tell them about the information I have learned.

More about my “crazy” ideas later, but for now I’m going to stop so I can get things done in my house today.

Oh and 10 more days until my 49th birthday! 🙂

Time to start writing again

I’ve had a lot of things happen since the last time I wrote in my blog. Hoping to keep this constant, but being a Libra, we will see how long I keep it up!

First thing I want to talk about is my birthday. I’m going to be 49 this year. Does it bother me? No. Does it make me feel like it’s time to find the things in life that I’ve been searching for? Yes!

Thinking about my friendships over the past 40 years and who is still with me, not many, and who I choose to move on without them being in my life has made me consider the people who are in my life now. I thinking about the few friends I have. How important they are to me, and how important I am to them. Sometimes it feels like they don’t feel the same way about me that I do about them. When I suggest something to do with a certain friend, she shuts me down, but when she wants to do something I figure out a way to do it with her. I’ve had other friends tell me that she isn’t a true friend, that she gets what she wants, but I don’t ever get what I want from her. I’ve been friends with her for  years, and now I’m wondering, is she still my best friend, or am I just someone that is convenient that she can do what she wants, while I get basically nothing out of the relationship now.

Just recently, I asked her to go somewhere with me, way in advance. She said to me ” Well, I’m not sure yet. I’m going to have to wait and see if my husband, my brother or the rest of the family has something to do on that date. I’ll let you know” Okay. I asked her in advance so we could do something together, but I have to wait to see if the rest of her family might have something for her to do on that day??? Ummm, the whole point in asking her 8 weeks ahead of time was so we could plan, but I have to wait to see what happens with the rest of her family, just incase they make plans? I’m upset. Then she says to me 2 weeks later, that her husband is going hunting, and we should go to this place to go shopping. Of course at first I was like “Yes! Sounds like fun!” Then I started to think about the fact that I asked her 2 weeks before to do something, and I had to wait for her answer. I’m I wrong to feel like I’m putting more into this friendship than she is?

Another thing about this relationship with her is it took her 3 months to get ahold of me over the summer. She never got ahold of me after the last time I called her. I thought I would wait and see how long it would take her to call me…12 weeks. It took her 12 weeks to finally call me. I was hurt, but I was glad that she finally called. Now I’m wondering if the only reason she called was because she needed me to do something for her.

For many years I chose to be a homebody and not go out into the world. Just work, store and home. I’m still that way today, but not quite as bad. I want to see the world. I want to meet new people that think like me, that want the same things in life like me, how are spiritual like me, that enjoy the time they spend with as I do with them.  Most of my friends will listen to what I have to say, they may or may not agree with me, but they don’t say that I’m just making up stuff. So, this friendship with this certain friend makes me feel like she is more of an acquaintance than a good friend.

I had the chance to go to Philadelphia over the summer to the DNC convention. What a joke! I felt betrayed by the DNC and I have learned that we the people don’t pick the candidates, the 1% pick them and THEY place who they want into President. Not a democratic society, more like a dictatorship society. I’m very hurt to learn this, because I truly believed that we voted in how we thought was best, I didn’t believe that we the people really don’t have a say in what happens. SIGH! So when I told my certain friend about it, she said “That couldn’t have happened. I don’t believe that happened.” REALLY??? I was there, you watched it on MSM news which it was doctored to look like it was packed, when in fact, it was half empty.

Then I found out about the North Dakota  Pipeline that is going to go thru the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe’s sacred land. I am outraged! First our people came in and took their land from them, gave back a little bit of their own land to them, and now the pipeline it going to go thru even if they don’t want them too. The President has done little to help these people! They are peacefully protecting their land and the pipeline is using force by riot gear, attack dogs, pepper spray, tear gas and arresting them on their own land! WHAT THE HELL??!!

If they do this, and our government doesn’t stand up for them, which some are but very few, do you not think that this is going to happen to your land at some point? This is not right! How can we trust our government when they do nothing to help these Native Americans? I’m disgusted to know that my forefathers took this land from them and committed genocide to their people. How can I be proud to be an american at this point? When I told my certain friend about this, she could careless about it. Then she said I’m proud to be an American, even after the facts that I told her about history.

To know that over in Syria, WE the AMERICAN troops are killing innocent people that have done nothing to us and it’s all over oil. These are things that the Main Stream Media News will not tell you the truth about, because the 1% owns the news and only tell you what they want to tell you, make you think that people are evil, when in fact they are innocent the war is just because they want their oil and will kill for it. I haven’t even talked to the certain friend about this, because she is racist. She feels like she is better than others because she is white and an American.

I feel like this friendship really isn’t a friendship anymore. First off, I’m not a racist, I don’t feel like I’m better than others because I’m white, I don’t judge others because of the color of their skin, religion or sexual preference. It’s hard to be with someone that isn’t the same as I on these subjects.  Yes, I’m a liberal, I’m not a democrat after Philly, I’m an independent, yes, I’m sort of a hippie. I think we should all have understanding for others and love as much as we can. Is that unacceptable?  Not to me. I know this is an issue for my friend. She has so much hate for other races, it actually makes me ill to me stomach when she talks about what she saw on the news, when in fact most of what she is saying are lies, and she believes them. When I try to tell her that I think she needs to look up some of that information, where does she go? to the same sites that just told her the info. SMH!

I guess right now, since I’ve met so many new people in my life, I feel like I’m growing and learning, when she is not. That maybe my tribe is still waiting for me out there, and she definitely is not part of my tribe.

A new day

So, from my last blog I have done a lot of thinking.

I don’t open up to people because frankly, I don’t trust many. I have learned the lesson to be guarded, since I have been hurt so much in my life.

Now you are thinking, everyone gets hurt in life. I don’t think I had it super-duper bad, but it was bad to me. I see other people’s lives and they had it a lot worse than I did, but I did get hurt from many people.

People who I thought were my best friends, boyfriends, partners and family. I have to open back up if I want to find love again. I’m not talking necessarily about a partner, but just love everyone. I strive for this. I want to love and be accepting to others. It’s going to take some time, but I’m determined to do this, because I WANT to be happy and love.

Today, I got up took a shower, started daily cleaning and thinking about what can I do to make me feel better about myself, because I have to love myself before I can love anyone else.

I think if I laugh, it makes me feel better. So I’ve been watching shows that make me laugh and smile. Know what? It’s helping! I spent 2 days watching shows that I couldn’t help but laugh the whole time. So, this works! Yay!

Also, if I make myself get up and get away from the computer and get dresses, that helps too. I think I need to get the makeup out, maybe get something done with my hair, and even dress up even if I’m not going anywhere. I know how I feel when people tell me that I look good, it lifts my spirits 🙂

I’m working on a project, that is almost done, so I can go do the things I love to do. I have an extra room that I’ve turned into a craft room so I can go up there and just create. I love to create, but for some reason, I just don’t have the energy to do it. That’s going to stop! If I want to be happy and love myself, I must do things that make me happy!

I’m not going to let myself have a pity party, oh poor Barb! That’s bullshit! I’m so lucky to have my kids and the friends that I have now, how can I feel sorry for myself? Yes, I’m sick, but that doesn’t define who I am. Yes, I have some issues that I need to work on, but who doesn’t?? I’m not gorgeous yet, I’m not ugly. I’m a bigger gal, but that just mean there is more of me to love!

All in all, I feel a little better and I’m going to continue too!